


Mistakes Were Made

by iduna, IncreasingLight



Series: Warp and Weft [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Amusing, Drinking, Funny, Gen, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Have I Done, general weirdness, how do i describe this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 11:28:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14424453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iduna/pseuds/iduna, https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncreasingLight/pseuds/IncreasingLight
Summary: Drinks were had. Secrets were shared. There really is no way to describe this without giving things away. Fenris gets news, they guys get drunk and...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> We have been hinting at this for a while, and it's finally here. This is either the most brilliant thing we've done yet, or it's... not. You decide.

“You owe me a drink, Elf!”

In the low light of the Tavern corner, Fenris sat, looking forlorn. Without even looking up, he slid the bottle of wine across the table to Anders. “I have been told that this establishment has plenty, and I am exiled from my rooms for the moment. Take what you like. Don’t speak, though. I do not need your blathering to multiply my suffering.”

Anders looked across the sticky table at his companion. “No, your room is empty. I can’t get into mine. Bethy met me at the door, and shooed me away, muttering ominously about ‘men’ and ‘assholes.’ I can only assume you are to blame, since Hawke was there… weeping. What did you do, and how in the void do you intend to fix it?”

Fenris took a long pull from the bottle. “Yes, well… Hawke and I had a disagreement of sorts. At least you weren’t ejected at knife point.” He sighed, pushed his hair back from his forehead and looked directly at Anders. “She may really leave me this time, Mage. I have no sympathy for your temporary displacement. Bethany is far more forgiving than Hawke.”

“Hawke is not unforgiving. She took you back, after you left her hanging for three years. Whatever you did, go man up…  grovel like the rest of us have to, when our women are pissed. Sitting here getting drunk won’t get me back into my room. They may fight like cats, but those two stick together. If you don’t get off your ass, I may have to bunk with you, and neither of us wants that. You snore like a nug.”

“It’s always about you, isn’t it, Mage?” Fenris looked at his drinking companion ominously, “You don’t care about anyone else.”

“I care a great deal more about Bethy than I do about myself, you know.” With a mischievous grin lighting up his features, Anders continued, “Does that mean you do want me to stay with you? I’m touched.  I never knew you cared. Do you prefer to be the big spoon or the smaller one? I’m comfortable with either.”

Fenris growled, the low sound seeming to echo in the noisy tavern. He picked up the bottle of wine again and drank. His Maker’s apple bobbed as the bottle emptied.

From the top of the stairs came a voice with an all too familiar accent. “Well! If it isn’t my new best friend,” called Dorian cheerily. “Why so gloomy, Fenris? I know, Bull and I shall buy you a drink, and you can tell us all your troubles. We can either fix them all, or not give a shit anymore. How does that sound?” Looking at Anders, Dorian said, “Some of the Templars are complaining about the ‘Abomination.’  You don’t look that Abominable to me, so I refuse to join in that nonsense.  You dress slightly better than the Hobo Apostate, and you certainly look less scary than the Orlesian Spider, spinning her webs from above the Great Hall. “

Anders slowly rose to his feet, “I’m not an abomination anymore. Justice left me in the Fade, remember? You’re the ‘Vint everyone loves to hate, though? It’s nice to see you again.”

Dorian eagerly took Anders outstretched hand and shook it vigorously. “Yes, yes… Of course, it’s nice to see me. It always is. I’m quite attractive, and charming as well. I will admit, I’m quite a fan of yours. Somehow, you managed to get Cullen look like he’s not haunting houses. How did you manage that? Threats? Blackmail? Well, whatever it was, you are clearly an excellent healer.”

Bull clapped Dorian on the back with his left hand while he shook Anders’ hand with his right. “Dorian? It’s possible you’re oversharing again.” He looked at Fenris, taking in the scowl on his face, “Sorry, we’re working on that.”

“Yes, well, you’re one to talk, you great lummox,” Dorian said affectionately. “It wasn’t me that announced, to everyone we know, that we were seeing each other by asking if I left my underclothes in your room on purpose. You are not one to lecture about discretion.”

Fenris scowled again. “Must I be present for this?  I’m trying to get drunk here, Magister…”

As he sat down next to the elf, Dorian looked at Fenris with amusement. “If you refuse to call me Dorian, at least use Altus. Words do mean things, even here in the barbaric South.”

“If you could take your words someplace else, I would be thankful. I’m in no mood for company. The Mage here has a legitimate claim, though I do wish he would make that claim elsewhere. You, on the other hand…” The next part of his sentence was drowned out by the wine bottle.

Bull raised his arm to flag down a serving girl. “Belinda? Hey, listen, can we get more wine here? You know the kind Dorian likes. Better make it a couple of bottles, though. And some Ale for me. I have a feeling someone is going to have to wrangle drunks later.” He flipped Belinda a few coins, followed by what was, possibly, a wink. With only one eye, it was hard to tell.

“Sure thing, Bull. Need snacks, too?”

“Don’t think so. There may be hurling later. The fewer cookies for them to toss, the better. Thanks, and maybe keep an eye out? We’re probably going to need more.”

Belinda was replaced by the figure of Varric, with a very uncomfortable Cullen trailing behind him. “Fenris. Why is Hawke calling me an asshole? I haven’t seen her all day, and she passed me earlier, crying, and talking about castration.  What did you do, and how much do you need me to loan you to make it better?” Half to himself and half to Cullen, he added, “Not that he’ll ever pay me back. It’s more an investment in Hawke’s happiness and my continued virility.”  Without pausing for an answer, Varric pushed Cullen toward the chair next to Anders. “Sit there. I’ll get you a drink. I promised Ladybird that I’d keep you from working all night. I’m going to keep that promise if I have to tie you to the damn chair.”

Anders batted his eyes a few times at Cullen before saying, “Oooh, Bondage. Don’t worry Commander, I don’t bite. At least, not unless you ask very nicely.”

“Dwarf,” Fenris started, “I don’t think…”

“That’s the problem, Broody. You don’t think before you do stupid shit like, well, whatever you did. At the very least, don’t take three years to fix it this time. That cost me a damned fortune at the Hanged Man. I bought her so much questionable alcohol that I should own the place by now.”

Anders looked at him with more than a little incredulity. “You do own it, Varric.”

“Keep your voice down, Blondie,” Varric whispered. He looked suspiciously around for other Dwarves.  There were three of them, including Cabot, the bartender.  “If the Merchant’s Guild found out about that, they’d jack up my dues and charge me back payments for it. As far as they know, I just squat there, and I’d like to keep it that way. If the Carta found out? Let’s just say THAT would go tits up pretty quickly as well.”

Looking Fenris in the eye, and taking the bottle out of his hand, Anders said, “So, are you going to tell us why the Hawke women hate men right now? “

Before he could speak, Belinda arrived with a tray laden with bottles. She put three bottles of wine on the table and gave a tankard of ale to Bull. “You need me, I’ll be close. Just give a whistle.”

As she walked away, swinging her hips a little more than necessary, Dorian grabbed The Bull by his horns. “Eyes this way. I’m far more attractive than she is. She also knows that we’re, well, whatever we are. I don’t even know why she bothers.”

“Driving up tips, that’s all.”  Bull pulled Dorian close and gave him a kiss. “She’s a red head. Your ass is way finer than hers is, and you can set shit on fire. That’s hot!”

Dorian smiled indulgently while groaning at the pun. “That was terrible.” Looking straight at Fenris he said, “Enough of that, you were about to impart some information?”

Fenris took a long pull on the wine, then sighed, dramatically. ”It seems that Hawke is with child.”  Varric choked, and Cullen slapped his back.  “The announcement came unexpectedly, and I failed to respond in the positive as quickly as she would have liked. She took my surprise as confirmation for her fears that… I would not be pleased. She put a knife to my… groin, threatened to cut bits off, then yelled at me to get out. Before I could, she shoved me against the wall, and ran out of the room, probably to Bethany, who refused Anders entry to his rooms.”

“So, Broody tells a joke. Good one there.”  Varric looked hopeful, rather than convincing.

“I’m not joking, Dwarf. Hawke is… pregnant.” Fenris took the bottle from Dorian.  “Apparently, women are not offended if you ask them if they are certain but wondering how it happened makes them unaccountably angry.”

Dorian gaped at Fenris, “You asked how it happened? I’m not an expert on these things, by any means, but even I know that one of the side effects of sex with women is pregnancy. Fasta Vass, even Cullen knows this, and he can’t manage to return a pretty girl’s kiss.”

Cullen sputtered, spitting out more than a little wine, and raised the back of his hand to wipe it off. “Dorian, that’s really unfair. She did surprise me after all. Let’s not forget Cassandra had threatened me with death more times than I can count. Some hesitancy is normal under those conditions.” Cullen took another drink and swallowed carefully. “Besides, that’s all been… worked out.” Hiding a blush, Cullen took another drink.

Anders flashed a big grin and winked at Varric. “At least he didn’t run away. In Kinloch…”

“Anders, remember the truce we talked about?” Cullen slammed the bottle on the table.

Varric winked back at Anders, “We’ll talk about that later, Blondie.” Cullen looked at Varric and growled menacingly. “What? It’s background research.”

Smiling pleasantly, Dorian took a delicate sip of wine. “So, your wife tells you she’s pregnant…”

“They aren’t married.” Varric said, looking at Dorian. “When you talk to her, I wouldn’t mention it. It’s kind of a sore spot with Hawke. Little sister, married less than 6 months after hooking up with Blondie. She and Broody have been doing this thing for how long? Still no ring.”

Anders puts his bottle down and snaps his fingers. “That’s how you can do it. Find a ring and ask her to marry you. You can throw her over your shoulder, take her back to your room to celebrate the miracle of life, and do whatever it is that got her, and you, in this situation in the first place.  Leaving me, alone, with my own wife.  As it should be.”

“Whatever got them into this situation?” Bull looks at him askance. “You’re a healer, right? You do know…”

“Of course I know. I just don’t want details. That’s just… Ewwww… She’s my sister in law, thank you very much. I know that they have sex, I don’t need to know the particulars.  That would make holidays more awkward than they already are.”

“Blondie isn’t wrong, Broody. A gesture like that would go a long way toward getting everyone back in the beds they’re supposed to be in. When we sober up, I’ll take you to see Dagna. She’s an odd little thing, but brilliant.” Under his breath, he muttered, “What is it about brilliant women smiths being oddly attractive, and a little crazy? I need another drink. Also, maybe better taste in women.”  Frowning, he took yet another pull of his own drink.

Fenris sat very still for a moment. “I can’t do that. If I do, she’ll think that I am only asking because of the baby, not because of my feelings for her. I do care for her, you know. I just… I’m not… I want to do right by her, and we haven’t been in a position to…”

Cullen looked across the table at the blonde elf. Thinking of Avexis, and how long it took them to even speak about being together, he felt more than a little empathy. “Well, you could ASK what she wants to do. If she wants to marry now, we can help with that. We have plenty of clerics and a nice garden. I’m quite certain that Josie can come up with a dress and flowers. She may want to wait until the bairn can walk her down the aisle, you know. Anything is possible with Hawke.”

“You used the word bairn in a sentence. Impressive.“  Dorian handed  the wine bottle to Fenris. “Is Avexis aware that you’ve been holding out on her? That was quite romantic, in a sensibly Ferelden sort of way. Where was that type of thing when you two were playing keep away?”

“Curly has a point, Broody. Asking what she wants and doing what she tells you may be the way to go. She does like calling the shots.”

Sighing dramatically, Fenris emptied the bottle. “First, she must talk to me without sharp things being pointed in my general direction. I cannot marry her if she kills me first.”

Bull held up two fingers to Belinda, indicating the need for more wine. “Sure you can. Both Avexis and Dorian are necromancers. I’m sure they can help if you need them to.”

“Thank you, I think… I am hoping that we can settle this without loss of life…”

“Or dis-member-ment…” Anders giggled drunkenly.

Cullen stood abruptly or tried to.  Wine and no food left him a bit wobblier than he intended. “If the puns are starting, I need to be going. I have some work to finish and then I’ll wait for Ladybird in my office.”

Bull stands and pushes Cullen back down in his chair. “The Saare-Boss said you weren’t supposed to work tonight, so you’re staying here. Besides, you smell like a winery, so before you go see her, you need to take a trip to the bath house. Why don’t we take the party there? We can get you all smelling nice for the ladies, and Cabot won’t have to throw us out later.”

“I have no intention of leaving here, Qunari.” Fenris emptied another bottle. “If Hawke wishes to find me, this is where she will expect me to be, and I intend to stay.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still with us, welcome back. I hope you enjoy this as much as we enjoyed writing it. We laughed out loud.

One hour and three bottles of wine later found Bull at the head of a parade of drunks, heading toward the bath house. He was keeping Fenris upright, while Anders and Dorian staggered behind him. Their arms were linked together, and they giggled like idiots at bad puns and Maker only knows what.

At the end of the strange line was a very tipsy Cullen, being herded in the direction of the bathhouse by Krem. Every so often he’d mutter something about work and lurch in the direction of his office. When that happened, Krem would say that Avexis wouldn’t want him to smell of wine, and Cullen would follow like an obedient mabari.

Once inside, Dorian started an elaborate strip tease, shaking his ass while disrobing. Anders laughed so hard that he fell, fully clothed in the water, still laughing as he peeled the water-soaked clothing off himself. Fenris got out of his clothing efficiently, folded them neatly, and sank into the water quickly. It became clear that Cullen was going to be a problem.

“Oh, Commander,” Dorian leered. “Aren’t you joining us? Certainly, a strong, strapping chap like yourself isn’t ashamed of bathing.”

“Shut it, Dorian. You’re not making this any easier,” Bull said as he rolled his eyes.  He looked at Cullen and pointed his horns toward the steaming water.   “Boss won’t be done for a while. Josie said something about Orlesians, and you know how they are. Get in the bath and sober up some. Krem is bringing more wine, and we’ll have him tell her where we are when he sees her.” When it looked like Cullen was going to leave, Bull added, “I mean, if you want to help the Boss with the Orlesians, that’s great. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

Cullen visibly paled at the thought of Orlesian nobles. Slowly he started getting undressed, not realizing that the longer he drew it out, the more obnoxious Dorian and Anders were going to get. By the time he was naked, and headed into the bath, the comments from the two were more than risqué, and the back of his neck was bright red.

“Don’t listen to them. Dorian talks a good game, but he’s probably too drunk to get it up. Anders is married, and I’m betting that his lovely wife wouldn’t take kindly to him being handsy. You’re safe.”

“Excuse me??” Dorian stood, indignant at the insult. He took a long pull on the bottle of wine. “I’ll have you know that I am never too drunk to, as you so crudely put it, ‘get it up.’” Sure enough, there he was. While not fully erect, it certainly wasn’t limp. “Drinking has never put me off my romantic game. You should know that better than anyone.”

Bull reached over and slapped Dorian on the ass. “Sorry, Big guy. You proved me wrong. Shit, if we were… Never mind about that, now. But, later….”

“Too bad there isn’t a ruler handy.” Anders looked around him with a raunchy glint in his eye. “I seem to remember a night in the Tavern. Certain claims were made, but not proven. We could find out now.” Looking straight at Fenris he added, “You claimed a yardstick would be needed. I think that’s untrue. Care to prove you… measure up?”

“You can’t be serious, Mage. It’s absurd, and juvenile. I have nothing to prove.”

Dorian was now dancing about the bath, splashing the others like a child, positively gleeful. “Well, of course he doesn’t want to. He’s seen me in all my glory. Of course, he can’t handle the competition. He knows he’ll lose. It’s quite alright, you know. There is no shame in admitting defeat in the face of a superior force.”

“Fasta Vas… Hardly superior, I wouldn’t want to shame you in front of your lover, Pavus.”

Anders, grinning drunkenly, looked from Fenris to Dorian and back again. “From what I see, there is nothing to be ashamed of there. It’s perfectly respectable.”

“Respectable? I’ve never been respectable. Superb… Outstanding… Magnificent… A respectable Pavus is an insult. I am insulted, in fact - insulted to the very core of my being. I demand satisfaction.”  Dorian went to draw his absent staff, his hand coming away confused when it wasn’t present. “Come now, Fenris. Don’t be shy. You made a claim, let’s see you prove it!”

Cullen looked around, trying to find an escape route. “I really should…”

“Cullen… Don’t say anything,” Bull counseled. “Keep going and they’re going to start on you. Pretty sure that you’re in good shape, but what they want isn’t dignified. You’d hate yourself tomorrow.”

Fenris sighed and started to stand. “Fine, as long as it shuts you both up, I’ll agree.”

Taking a drink, Anders starts looking around. “Something to measure with, something to… Varric, do you have anything we can use?”

“Oh, no you don’t. I’m not getting involved with this.” Varric looked from Fenris to Anders, then took a drink, balancing his bottle on his hairy chest. “There is no way that this doesn’t end in a fight. You’ll get your liver ripped out, he’ll get set on fire, and Sunshine and Hawke turn this into my fault. I have a better survival instinct than that.”

“You have money on this, right?” Anders tried, and failed, to look innocent. “I saw you making a bet with Bull. What would the Carta say if they knew you were reneging on bets?”

“Well, shit.” The dwarf glowered at his so-called friend.  “I think there’s some string in my pockets. I cleaned Bianca, and I use it for… Never mind.” Varric took a long pull on the bottle of wine. “Burn it after you use it. I don’t want it back.”  He took another drink, muttering. “How do I get myself into these things. You’d think I’d learn, make better life choices, but no… Ever since I met Hawke, it’s one stupid situation after another…”

Anders rifled through Varric’s pockets and found the string. Sashaying jauntily, he returned to the bath. Looking like a child in a Sweets Shop, he leered back and forth between Dorian and Fenris. “So, who’s going first?”

Dorian stood. “I will.” Closing his eyes, he stood quietly for a moment and asked, “Bull, do you think I’m pretty?”

Bull placed his hands on his lover’s waist. “Shit, yeah. If we were alone, I’d take you in a manly fashion.”

“Because I’m pretty?”

Bull leaned in, worrying Dorian’s earlobe between his teeth and moving his hand slowly along his hip toward his buttock.   He softly growled, “Because you’re pretty.”

Dorian leans into Bull ever so slightly and says quietly, “I think I’m quite ready now.”

Eyes wide open and mouth agape, Anders takes out the string. “Yes, I think you are. I probably am, too. I’ll do the honors for you if…”

Bull kissed Dorian’s neck. “Go ahead, do what you need to do. We’re fine here…”

Hands shaking, Anders pulled out the string and measured.

Dorian leaned into Bull’s chest, eyes still closed. “Make certain you measure properly.” He took a deep breath and smiled. “I know Fenris is your brother in law, but don’t lie on his behalf.”

Anders smiled, “Don’t worry about that. I’ll be as honest as the day is long.”

Dorian opened his eyes and looked at Anders. He squinted, just a bit, “If that’s the case, you won’t mind me saying that you’re tying that knot in the wrong place. Clearly, you’re trying to short me at least half an inch.”

Anders rolled his eyes. “It’s hardly my fault that you’re not as long as you think you are.”

Hands on his hips, Dorian stared at the mage below him. “I’ll have you know that I do NOT over estimate my assets. I am perfectly aware of exactly how well built I am, and you are shorting me. Now, add half an inch or I shall have to take action.”

Standing, Anders looked Dorian in the eye. “I am not going to add anything because I’m not wrong. Clearly you are one of those men that can’t tell the difference between and inch and a mile. I…”

“Guys, c’mon. Let’s all be friends, okay.” Bull said, embracing his role as an unlikely mediator. “We’ll call it a quarter of an inch and it’ll be fine.”

Dorian bristled at the idea of a compromise. “It will not be ‘fine.’ I am being maligned here, and I will not allow…”

“Hey, listen,” Bull started. “Make it a quarter of an inch, and I promise I’ll make it better… later. I’ll do that thing, you know, with the horns….” Bull wiggled his eyebrow suggestively. “Then you can do that thing with electricity… It’ll be great.”

“Well,” Dorian pretended to think. “I suppose that if I must choose between fisticuffs in the bath house and the horns….”

A huge smile spread across Bull’s face. “That’s it, Big Guy. Compromise is rewarded.”

Looking from Bull’s smiling face to Dorian’s beaming one, Anders’s asked, “Wait… Horns? What do you do with the horns that’s….”

From the corner, Varric laughed. “Bull, don’t answer that. No one really wants to know.”

Anders was indignant. “I want to know.”

Varric discretely handed the bottle of whiskey to a very pale Cullen. “Well, the rest of us are not into your perversions. If you keep asking, I’m going to tell Sunshine. Do you think she’ll approve?”

“Bethy will understand that I have an… intellectual curiosity about these things.”

“Intellectual interest, Maferath’s Left Nut.  You’re a degenerate, and we all know it. There is no use in denying. I’m not even saying it’s a bad thing, I mean, Maker love them, but crazy has never been a turn off for either of the Hawke sisters. That doesn’t mean that I have to listen while you indulge in it.”

Varric took a swig from the whiskey bottle. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cullen moving toward the edge of the bath and shook his head. Following his eyes, Anders spotted Cullen and said, “Are you concerned with yourself, or with the Knight Commander here? What about it, Hot Templar, care to show us how commanding you are?”

Varric stood to draw attention away from the, now blushing Ferelden. “Leave Curly out of this.”

Raising his eyebrows, and raising a bottle, Anders leered at Cullen. “I don’t think so. He’s here, and supposedly he...”

“You know, Blondie,” Varric began slowly.  “Did you ever tell Sunshine the story of her wedding ring?”

Anders paled. He took a swallow of wine and said, “Her ring? I don’t know what you mean.”

“As I remember it,” Varric started, “You took that ring off of a dead guy near Markham. Right? Or was is Wycome? I can’t remember. What I do remember is that you were excited about it.” Varric winked at Cullen, then met Anders eyes and continued. “Most girls like a romantic story about jewelry gifts. She may be disappointed to find out that her wedding ring is nothing more than loot from a guy that attacked you on accident.”

Sitting down on the side of the tub, Anders looking terrified, took a drink. “You can’t tell her.”

“Was that a dare?  What do you think, Curly? I can’t pass up a dare.”

With panic in his voice, Anders said, “Don’t tell her and I’ll leave you both alone. I promise.”

Varric leaned back and passed the bottle to Cullen. “Sounds like a deal to me.”

Anders turned away, his attention going back to Dorian and Fenris. Cullen sagged against the back of the tub in relief. “Thank you, but you didn’t have to use a marker on me, Varric.”

Chuckling, Varric passed the bottle to Cullen. “I didn’t really. It was a threat, and I can use it again. The best part is Sunshine already knows, he told her once when he was drunk. Empty threats are the best kind. I get what I want, and no one gets hurt. It’s almost as good at riddling things with bolts, but not as much work. Dwarves are good at tricks and threats. In a world that’s twice as big as you are, you learn some things.”  Cullen obediently took a swig of whiskey.  “Another thing dwarves learn is how to not draw unwanted attention. Just stay put. They’ll lose interest in you soon.”

On the other side of the bath, Anders and Dorian were bickering about knots in ropes. Neither was willing to give up on their own idea of where the knots should go. The whole conversation was threatening to take a turn towards the magical as Anders fingers started to arc a bit.

Hoping to defuse the situation, Bull cut in. “You know, Dorian is a bit bigger, but Anders has this really cool bend to the left going on. Pretty awesome, if you ask me. It’s not all about size, is it?”

Delicately lifting an eyebrow, Dorian smiled. “There is that, of course. It’s what I love about men. Women are all the same… you know… Seen one you’ve seen them all. Or so I’ve been led to believe. But men… Ahhh, men. The wonderous variety of them all.” A big sigh and a swig of wine later, Dorian finished. “I have nothing against women, of course. Lovely creatures, all of them… Well most. I would never describe Vivienne as ‘lovely.’ They are just too… squishy for my taste.”

Fenris staggered to his feet, worse the wear for the wine. “Hawke is not squishy. Take that back, Magister, or I’ll rip out your liver.”

“It’s still Altus, my good friend, and I truly meant no disrespect to your esteemed Lady. She is, indeed a fierce and lovely woman.” Plucking the wine bottle from Fenris hands, Dorian took a drink, then set the bottle on the side of the bath. “And you are a very lucky man. A beautiful woman and a child on the way. Felicitations all around, and may you have good fortune and many long years of happiness.”

Fenris scowled and took a step towards Dorian. “Are you mocking me, Mage? I’ll…”

“Of course, I’m not mocking you. My sexual tastes may not run towards women, but family is important, especially in the Magisterium. Children are celebrated and adored, well maybe not adored, but certainly paraded about with pride. My own mother was known to have spent whole minutes in my presence. While I shall never have children, I understand how and why others do.

“If I may be honest, I am the slightest bit jealous. Not of the sleeping with women part, Maker forfend, but of the possibility of creating a life, not just alongside another person, but with another person. Part of you and part of them joining to make a life. There is magic in that, and it’s a magic I will never perform.”

Behind Dorian, Bull put both arms around Dorian and pulled him closer. Gently, he kissed the top of his head and asked, gently, “You okay, Kadan?”

Dorian huffed, “Of course I am. I am Tevinter, my family is part of the Magisterium, and I am a homosexual. That doesn’t mean I don’t know how important family is. Do I seem unfeeling to you?”

“Nope, but then again, I know you better than most.  It’s just, Fenris’s drunk and hurting.” Bull kissed the top of Dorian’s head again, then where his neck met his shoulders. “You’re good.”

Fenris sat down hard on the side of the bath. “Apologies, Dorian. I am more harsh than I should be. Knowing that I may have lost Hawke forever is… distressing.”

Dorian sat next to Fenris, his hand on the elf’s shoulder. “As it should be. I know neither of you well, but what I have seen is that she adores you more that she can say. After the shock, she will return, and you should be ready to reassure her that this is what you want.”

Anders stood and made his way to where Dorian and Fenris were sitting, a string dangling from his fingertips. “Are we done with the feely bits here? We need to do some measuring. C’mon Fenris, stand up and… well… stand up. We haven’t got all night here.”

“Kaffas, mage. Is that all you can think of?” Fenris stood, hands fisted. “Are we nothing to you but amusement and entertainment?”

Anders laughed. “Right now you’re an annoyance, and a source of income. I have money riding on this, and Bethy wants a new dress. So, you need to think happy thoughts, or however you go about it, and let me measure.”

Lifting his eyebrows delicately and letting the lyrium under his skin glow, just a little, Fenris stood. “Very well, mage, but only for Bethany.”

Fenris closed his eyes and a smile played across his face. His body visibly relaxed as his thoughts, obviously, turned to his beloved. His hand reached out as his body reacted to his erotic musings. “Where’s that string?”

Anders leans over and hands the string to Fenris as the door to the bath house opens. In walk two Hawkes and an Inquisitor. All three women stared as the men look back in guilty silence.  

Avexis managed to find her voice first. “Should I ask what’s going on here, or should I assume that it is what it looks like and walk away? Or stare, I could stand here and stare, because it’s a nice view. I could keep on looking.”  She pulled her braid forward and fiddled with it.  “You do realize there’s a sign for when the bath is occupied, right?”

Fenris and Hawke’s eyes met, and Fenris lurched forward, saved from falling out of the bath by Bull’s quick hand to his elbow. Bottle of wine in his hand, he made his way toward Hawke and fell to his knees at her feet.

“Hawke,” he began, “Please forgive me. I am unworthy of your attention, and when you told me that you were going to have our child I was disbelieving of my own good fortune.”  Hawke blinked.  “You are more than I ever could have hoped for in my life. You are strong, passionate, brave, and beautiful. You are Grace personified. More than anything in this world, I want to be worthy, not only of your attention, but your love. Since meeting you, my greatest fear is that I never can be what you deserve, and it was this, and only this that caused my unfortunate stupidity when you gave me the news.

“I should have asked you to marry me long ago, but you deserve so much more than I can hope to give, so I didn’t ask. I, foolishly, thought that giving you the chance to find someone that could provide all the things I couldn’t was the best course of action. It was… selfish of me to think that I must be the one to give you everything. You are, and always have been, capable and willing to get those things for yourself, and the idea that gifting you with material goods is the only reason you are with me is demeaning. As always, in thinking that way, I only prove my unworthiness to share your life.

“Still, you have stayed with me, and if you would honor me with your hand in marriage, I will do all I can to give you, and the child we created, with all my love and devotion.

“I will stay by your side, no matter the cost. I will hold you and fight at your back. I will build a life with you, live that life along side you, and rest at your side until we are no more.”  Fenris carefully put the wine bottle down and took Hawke by the hand. He laid her hand upon his cheek gently, gazed into her eyes and said, “Hawke, will you marry me?”

Smiling, Hawke wiped a tear from her eye.  Disbelieving, she then watched as Fenris crumpled to the ground. His head hit with a thud as a loud snore erupted from his parted lips.  Hawke bent down and shook him. “Fenris,” she called. “Fenris??”

There was no response from the lyrium tattooed elf.

Standing, she looked around at everyone in the Bath house. The silence was deafening, and she looked from face to face, trying to figure out what to do next. Delivering a swift kick to Fenris’s backside, she shouted, “Son of a Whore!” and left the bath house, slamming the door after her.

Slowly, the men got dressed, and Bethany put a towel over the prone man on the floor. “Should we take him up to bed?”

Varric put his hand on her shoulder and replied. “I’m not going to face her until she’s calmer. You do what you want. I’d rather stay alive, thank you.”

One by one, hand in hand, the other three couples left the bath house, whispering quietly to each other, while Fenris lay on the floor, covered by a towel, three knotted strings lying next to him.

Fenris was clearly the winner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you laughed as much as we have at the absurdity of this. It was difficult, because half way through, the gents stopped cooperating. Still, here it is. I don't know what else to say, but thanks for reading. Leave a comment, it's what we live for.

**Author's Note:**

> Thus ends part one. From here, things get really odd. Really, really odd... Also, much funnier.


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